Xyon (xyon) wrote,
Xyon
xyon

Random thoughts

So, before you read any of this post I warn you that you should not try to read into it; it's just something random that came into my mind while walking home at 1:25am.


This is really hard to phrase, so I'll try my best. There are the famous internet quizzes for how much of a nerd are you, how much of a slut are you, et cetera; but there is no internet (or other form) quiz to determine what the utility of your life has been. Yes, I meant utility; as in from a utilitarian point of view, have you led a worthwhile life? Some kind of score counter that goes around with you for your entire life and when you make someone happy you gain points, and lose points when you make someone sad or angry or what have you. Of course, there are exceptions... if you make someone angry and that causes them to miss their flight and the plane ended up crashing then you did a good thing (once again, there are exceptions).

Basically, I want to know my current score. I know that I've made some people superficially happy on occasion: given them academic help and allowed them to solve something they had been stuck on for a long time, going all in on a bluff with queen high to allow the person to almost double up, things of that nature. I also can think of many instances where I've made someone angry, upset, uneasy, et cetera. I never feel like my existance matters to anyone. If I were to randomly move to nowhere and not have any contact with anyone I know now would I really be missed? Would I be worthy of mention? For those of you who have seen What Women Want, I often feel like the geeky girl in the glasses.

A long time ago, 7th or 8th grade, I said something that was misconstrued as an "I want to kill myself"; and so I had to listen to the jr. high counsellors ramble on about how suicide isn't the answer, and think of all the people that would miss you, et cetera. A few minutes ago I had a random thought that kind of goes along with that... There was a (few) episode(s) of Star Trek: Voyager that dealt with a race that built a device that could remove things from the timeline. If such a thing were possible, what would the world have been like had I never existed? Would the people I care about be better or worse off if they never knew me? Think of it as the ultimate sacrifice... the person you care the most about dies (or something bad happens to them), you seek out the state of the world had you not existed to see what happened to them; find that they lived a long happy life, and so you 'bring them back to life' by allowing yourself to never have existed in the first place.

On an interesting parallel note, deciding to remove ones self from prior existance is most likely an impossible thing (I can't think of the word for it). After all, by removing yourself from existance you remove the decision to remove yourself, thus you never removed yourself. I wonder if that holds up.

Anyways, I often feel like I do more bad than good. I often feel unnecessary, and unwanted (no job offers and no girlfriend really help there). Maybe I just remember the bad more, or I make people feel good about themselves and don't know it; and maybe there are people that need me, but I only see it as 'I just happened to be there'.


Really, I just want to know my current score.
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