Xyon (xyon) wrote,


Nothing really holds my interest anymore.

It used to be that when I would get this way I could sit and space out for a while, listening to movies and tooling around on the computer.. but those days are gone.

MUDding just doesn't have the appeal anymore, all of my MUD companions have left them behind for their own reasons; and besides, there aren't any good MUDs anymore... text based things is a lost artform. Not just games, but reading, too. People don't really curl up with books so much these days, they watch the movie. Don't get me wrong, I like a good movie; but I also like to use my imagination.

Do you know anyone that can get so involved in a book that the outside world doesn't exist anymore for a while? I can do that at times, with a really good book. I wonder if there is a book so good that you can get so into it that you can't come back anymore. The mind just gets convinced that it is part of the story, and continues to play it out. The characters always stay true to themselves, there is never an unnecessary plot twist, no bad editing... a new reality sets in, and in the real world you just fade away, as if in a coma. I think that'd be nice... no worries about a crappy job, living in a crappy town in a house that's probably a year or two away from being condemned, bills, money, success, failure, power, equity, equality...

I've lost my drive, I think. I had this problem in high school, too.. oh, I wanted things... but vague things... get in to a good college, get a good job, the standard works... Somehow I just felt that Rose is where I belonged, and I focused on getting in... which of course happened. The challenge, though, was admission (as a junior). Once I got there, though, it wasn't so much the challenge I wanted. I could easily have gotten a 4.0, had I cared. There were homeworks and the like that I less than half-assed, simply because I had no incentive to put any effort into them. Freshman year was Half-Life and Baldur's Gate. Sophomore year was Baldur's Gate II and Black and White and Deus Ex and Civilization III and MDK2 and Thief 2. Junior year was the Soda web rewrite. Senior year was Neverwinter Nights and the Soda modifications for the iButtons and the like.

There are only four classes I put any real effort into...
1) Operating Systems... specifically the FAT12 project. I don't really know how the CPU gets data from a floppy device, or how the OS gets the blocks... but damnit I know (knew?) how FAT12 and the Long Filename extension worked. I knew where the data was, how it was organized... what made the file system a file system rather than a bizarre collection of bits.
2) PLC. There were some hard things in this class... it gave me a challenge, and I stood up to it. In the end, though, it prevailed... as I had to spend a few weeks in therapy and almost punched through my laptop LCD. I found the concepts interesting, but the execution not so much. Scheme just didn't "tickle my fancy" or whatever the phrase is. Maybe if it was all done in C I would have liked it better, and I'd have applied to IU to do languages.. but I find them conceptually interesting only... I wouldn't want to design a language.
3) CS230... specifically Scribble. In order to program the computer to be able to play Scrabble I first had to learn how to play it... I knew the rules, and what actions players took.. but to sit and figure out how I came up with things, and how you know you've dead-ended.. that was fun.
4) Reals. Okay, kyledgoss, if you're reading this you may have laughed there.. but I did put forth effort.. at the beginning. But after a while I stopped caring and got sloppy. Not because I couldn't do better, but because I didn't feel like it. For some reason I was happier doing absolutely nothing than doing the homework.

I feel almost the same thing for UW that I did for Rose... but I'm outside of UW's target demographic. I applied, and it's now out of my hands. Did I study for the GRE, though? Not a chance. (Didn't study for the SAT either, though). I feel that there's not as much that I can do with UW, though... With Rose I had several emails back and forth with the Dean of Admissions... but it was rolling admissions, I felt like there was something I could do to sway their decision in my favour if they were borderline.

I just need something I can be passionate about. A job, a person, something. A reason for getting out of bed; my own personal answer to the great question: "Why?" ... right now it's something like "Dunno, guess because I'm supposed to"

Perhaps some of you are thinking "You seem to be miserable in Terre Haute, why don't you just go to Seattle already and be happier?". The answer, of course, is: friends. I always put my friends before myself... and I think that barring the ability to please everyone I try to minimize unhappiness in others. What the hell am I talking about? Not leaving Jay and Macie with nowhere to live. Student services could probably arrange for living arrangements for Macie barring anything else presenting itself, but Jay not being a student wouldn't have that luxury. He's been a friend and roommate/housemate for 4 years; can't properly abandon him now... So in the offchance that my permanent presence in Seattle could raise the happiness of my Seattle area friends, going out there would leave a friend not exactly homeless, but pretty much.

Some people try to tell me I'm smart... but I think that I'm just misconfigured... something is clearly miswired or out of whack.

But whatever... this entry is long, cut-hidden, and will probably be one of the many journal entries throughout the ages that classify as write-only-memory. So I'm going to go upstairs, and climb in bed with a good book.

So in the event that someone -did- read this... thanks. Oh, and I apologize, too... for wasting your time.
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